It is Wednesday — the middle of the week, when everybody in Uyo is half tired and half hungry. So before you open another spreadsheet, take two minutes and laugh with us. These are clean, warm, very-Nigerian delivery moments. Some happened. Some should have happened. 😂
1. The flower scooter
Rider parks a scooter with flowers in the basket outside a compound in Nwaniba. Customer comes out, sees the flowers, and freezes: “Ah. Is this the flower man or my food?” Rider: “Madam, your food is in the box. The flowers are for my own wife. Please do not rate them.” 💐
2. The shy parcel
Customer calls: “Rider, where are you?” Rider: “I’m outside.” Customer: “I don’t see you.” Rider: “I’m outside the gate.” Customer: “Which gate?” Rider: “The one with the dog that is shouting.” Customer: “That is every gate on this street.” Rider: “Then abeg, call me again — the parcel is shy.” 📦
3. “Which gate is black?”
Delivery note: “Black gate, opposite the church.” Rider arrives. Three churches. Seven black gates. One man selling suya who has now become the official landmark of the whole street. The suya man says: “Customer? Na the one wey dey always buy two sticks?” Delivered. Suya man deserves commission. 🍢
4. The OTP cross-examination
Rider: “Please, your OTP.” Customer (suspicious): “How do I know you are the real rider?” Rider: “Because I am holding your jollof and it smells exactly like what you ordered.” Customer reads the OTP immediately. Evidence accepted. 🍚
5. The office lunch committee
At 11:30 nobody wants food. At 12:58 everybody suddenly wants food, but only “small chops, not too much.” At 1:20 the order arrives and the person who said “I’m not hungry” is holding two plates. Every UNIUYO-area office has this person. Sometimes it is you.
6. Rain negotiation
Uyo rain starts. Customer texts: “Rider, take your time, safety first.” Ten minutes later: “Rider, safety first, but hunger is also first.” Fifteen minutes later: “Rider, I can hear thunder and my stomach in the same key.” 🌧️
7. The tracking map loyalist
Some customers do not watch movies. They watch the live map. “He has turned left. Why left? Oh, he’s avoiding the traffic. Smart man. I like this rider.” By the time the food arrives, the customer and the rider are basically family.
8. The change conversation
Customer: “Do you have change for one thousand?” Rider: “Yes.” Customer: “For five thousand?” Rider: “Small.” Customer: “Twenty thousand?” Rider: “Aunty, that one is a bank transaction. Please use the wallet.” 💳
To every rider and every hungry customer
Behind every joke is a real rider braving traffic and rain, and a real customer just trying to eat on time. Thank you for the patience, the landmarks, the “take your time” texts, and the laughs. You make Uyo’s streets a little warmer.
And when you are done laughing, maybe open WhatsApp or the iDeliver app and order lunch — we will bring it to the right gate (eventually, with the suya man’s help). 😄
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